The land knows what its people know
Time keeps slipping by
The seasons and the heartbreak
Gone in the blink of an eye
-Lyleton Montgomery, cowboy poet-
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I'm suddenly feeling scared.
I'm suddenly feeling insecure.
I'm suddenly feeling confused.
What is it??
Why??
How??
Those are questions I can only answer vaguely. I feel empty inside. Loneliness is creeping up. And I'm succumbing to it, even with all of my strength put into resisting it. I realised, while lying on my bed just now, that I've no one to talk to. Sure he did sms me at times... but sometimes, I don't feel as if he is really interested in the first place. Well, what I know is that all I need right now is someone to just listen. Hear me talk my life out. To someone whom I can trust with my life. And someone who will understand. I'm not saying I don't trust him. It's just that up until now, I still can't truly open myself fully to him. Neither can he. I don't even dare to bring up anything because I don't want to be bringing trouble to our relationship, causing us to argue or quarrel or fall out just over something that troubles me. But the contradicting part is, he won't be mad at me, neither will he be angry nor will he be jealous. Heartless? Or purely 'open-minded'. On the other hand, I don't want to lead him on. It can even be said that I'm confused. Confused about every single thing. I guess the main word here is DOUBTS. I'm having doubts. I'm having doubts about myself being able to stay committed. I'm having doubts about my feelings towards him. I'm having doubts about this relationship. Is this a new found fear? I believe so...
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Nothing was wrong actually, but after the initial infatuation wore off, there wasn't much keeping me interested. How?
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I don't want to have that awful conversations where I have to trot out awful cliches like "it's not you, it's me" or "you deserve better" when the truth of the matter is I do think i deserved better. Better treatment. Care. Attention. But nah... I desperately want to avoid teary scene, the hurt look and the "but why" questions... because I've been through that.
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I'm so sorry. I'm just confused. VERY confused. Sometimes, I felt that there was a tinge of regret. I don't know why. Probably we rushed things through? Probably we don't actually know each other well enough? Probably, we are not ready for a relationship? Or maybe it's just that I haven't really moved on. Paranoid, that's what I am. Kept thinking, you didn't really want to be with me. Kept hearing comments. Guessed what? Some of our friends can even predict that we won't last long. At first, I wanted to prove them wrong, but now, I'm cheating myself, and cheating you too. I just want to know where I stand... who am I to you, and time to think, where you actually stand, and who you are to me.