"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out.
But it's more than that, isn't it?
The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried when you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for the want of a teller but for the want of an understanding ear."
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-Stephen King-
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sometimes, i'm afraid to speak up. sometimes i dont want to let anyone in. sometimes i'm afraid of my own thoughts. sometimes i wish there was someone who understood. it's not about keeping secrets, it's not about having trust in someone else. it's about the fear of being rejected, the fear of no one understanding, and the want of someone who will understand without asking questions, without requiring explanation, and without prejudice or judgment. there is a dividing line between a listening ear and one who listens and still does not judge. those are rare and a special treasure to stumble upon. anyone can sit down next to you and listen as you cry pour out your deepest secrets to them... but there is a deeper need that exists than simply voicing the secret. there is a longing, a desire, a *need* for that secret to be met with understanding and welcoming arms, one that requires nothing. one that insists the secret is okay, that you arent alone in the way you feel, and that the secret will be treasured and cared for - all of this without saying a word.
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there is a deep sense of connection that occurs between two hurting hearts. it is this innate understanding of another's inner self that connects two people from an instant. there are no requirements around this connection. there is no rule that says the two must become friends, must share their secrets, or that they must even remotely like each other. the greatest of enemies are able to find a common ground, planted in their common pain or hidden secret. this is all unseen by the human eye. it can only be witnessed by the heart. and there the scene is kept and treasured, held on to and returned to in those darkest times of loneliness. i wrote about this some time last year for an English paper.
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"But there is also the often overlooked connection made by silence. In silence and careful listening to what lies within, one can see into the soul of another, grasp something of familiarity and hold onto it. Without speaking, two people can understand each other better than a thousand words could ever accomplish. It is that connection, that intangible union of two hearts entangled in their own depths, that is so unseen and perhaps never known by the world as a whole. It is with this almost innate sense of understanding that those who speak so few words of their pain are able to reach a place of peace that may always remain aloof with the alternative."
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i think everyone has a piece of themselves they are afraid to share. they painstakingly discover these inner depths, mould it, form it, let it blossom, and come to love and understand this beautiful masterpiece they have developed in their hearts. but these pieces are too fragile to be shown to the world as a whole. i believe that the deepest of relationships are developed around these fragile pieces, shielded from the world and kept for only the two to see. it doesnt matter what these masterpieces were created from. most often i believe they are sparked from pain - usually a pain that cut deeply, down to the core. something that reached down to their depth and shook them through and through, and they were so rocked by this, that it left an indelible mark in their lives, one that eventually became their defining piece. every great artist or composer has one piece that is their defining one - a work that is so set apart and distinct that it goes down in history as their greatest masterpiece. we all have a masterpiece, but the difference between our inner masterpieces and those displayed is that ours are never fully completed. they change and grow, shrink and unravel, twist themselves around, wrap themselves up, and move and conform to the changes in our lives, and every change that happens is added to this masterpiece. every experience has its own shape, its own colour, its own flavour... and it is essential towards the completion of our work of art.
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pain is essential. laughter and joy are essential. tears and sorrow, happiness and smiles, death and destruction, life and rebuilding... they are all essential, indispensable. the need for pain and joy and everything in between was woven into our very beings. ALLAH created us to have emotion, to feel anger and hurt and to learn to love and laugh. HE wanted us to *feel*. sometimes, such as in the midst of depression, we despise this ability, wish to remain numb and unfeeling, wanting only for things to return to a peaceful state. but we cant have laughter and smiles forever. at some point, we must experience the tears that refine and renew us. we have to go through the pain that acts as the refining fire of our lives. ALLAH tells us that HE will test our faith with fire. the only way we can withstand this fire is through the refining power of tears, hate, fear, hurt, and pain that seems to be unfelt by anyone else.
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loneliness permeates this world. so many people feel alone, shutting themselves off from the world and wondering why they have to be so rejected. i feel like i am constantly in that state - constantly asking, "Will anybody ever love *ME*? Can anybody ever look at me and say with honesty that i am beautiful? And cant i find the courage to believe them when that day comes?" ... because it isnt just about others caring... it has everything to do with our own perceptions of ourselves, our own judgments cast against our lives and our beings. this is what i struggled with most, and what i believe a lot of people struggled with also. sometimes it is a chore just to get up in the morning and convince myself that i am worthy of a brief hello from a stranger in the streets... or that i am entitled to a hug or a kind word. what makes me so special? what makes me worthy of these things? i dont always see or believe that i am supposed to be love or wanted. i dont always believe that there is someone out there who loves and understands me, who wants me and sees me for who i am. there is an internal conflict that tells me i am not worth, that tries to get me to believe that i don't deserve to be here. that someone else is much more worthy than i to be alive in this world... but it is countered by the knowledge of my worth in ALLAH. i may be nothing without HIM - i am nothing without HIM. i may be unwanted and broken and hurting in this world without any solace or place of refuge, but i can always turn to HIM. i dont always rely on HIM, and when i dont... i found myself so lost and confused, hurting and crying out in the deepest ways that i dont know what to do, and when i found my way back to HIM, i realized my folly and cry in despair over the time i wasted, but after i mourn for it, i'll leave it behind, walking back into HIS welcoming arms, HIS renewing embrace that whispers "It's going to be okay... I have you in my arms, and everything is under control. You are my beloved."
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even in the deepest corners of my heart, those parts i wont even share with myself, ALLAH's light shines for me. sometimes i run and hide from it, prefering to lock myself in darkness and bleed and cry and wish for the night to end, and when morning comes and HE knocks on the door of my heart again during the morning prayers, and when i am ready to receive him, his light fills me up and washes over me, taking away the pain and mistakes of the night and offering me the sunshine of a new day.
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we all feel alone at times, but we are never completely without an understanding ear. even the most complicated and painful feelings and understood by one - ALLAH. do you doubt it? you shouldnt - afterall, HE is the one who created all those emotions... isn't it? obviously HE'll be the one who understands them better.
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so when the world is shutting you out, when you feel broken and alone, when there is no understanding ear to listen without judgment... remember that HE is by your side, holding you up and saying "It's okay. Let it out. I'm here, and I am collecting all of your tears in my bottle... storing them up for that day when your masterpiece shall be completed... And you're my beloved..."