prologue

NURUL AIN
j'ai vingth et un ans

i want to travel around the world, with bottles of mango milk tea in my esprit totebag.





Wednesday, July 06, 2005 16:09

my computer had an emotional breakdown for the past few days.
sick. terribly sick.
well, waiting for the supervisor to call me and inform the date i'm supposed to start working.
not that i'm dragging the job.
i want it. i really do.
not because of the reasonable pay, instead of the pittance one i got previously, but the thing is... i'm thrilled.
excited.
i just want to continue living, instead of watching people walk pass me.
i spent most of my time in a state of perpetual fear.
i had no responsibility, so the level of misdesmeanour that i could aspire to was putting milo in someone's coffee, just because i hate coffee.
my most constant dread was that my clothes, hair, figure, 'slang', and jokes were totally unacceptable.
i spent the whole of my time on the right clothes and the right dress up, happily reinventing myself until i could be myself again.
it was vital for me to do well.
not just well, but the best.
no job was to small for me to accept it cheerfully.
no ambition was to large for me to hold it greedily.
holidays bore me.
really.
it's who i am.
it's what i am.
...
spent my whole life blaming myself.
and others.
rationale and reason were too tardy.
the psychology isnt too difficult to figure out.
intense feelings of betrayal.
blah, blah, blah.
i have a complex of people being a failure to stay faithful.
be it a friend.
steady mate even.
my defence is a life awash with cynicism, constraint and calculation.
and it's an extremely effective preclusion to pain.
i hurt before i can be harmed.
get what i mean?
i dont wish to get too involved anymore.
having a best friend who vanished?
when sooner or later when eu meet that person, it'll all be an odd situation for both of us.
when those sms-es eu thought your best friend will reply, were just deleted after being read once.
i dont know that person anymore.
so stop asking me bout that person.
not that i hate that person or so.
just find it irritating to be associated with that person.
eu peeps ask me bout that person as though that person is stuck on me.
as though i have records of that person's ruined life, totally destructed by that person, herself.
in short, i dont wish to get involved anymore.
that answers your quessy missy gothica amil.
...
end it here.
it's better to avoid any messes altogether.