prologue

NURUL AIN
j'ai vingth et un ans

i want to travel around the world, with bottles of mango milk tea in my esprit totebag.





Thursday, July 07, 2005 11:50


i'd cried for months and when i stopped crying, i started hating.
it took several more months for the hate to cool, and when it did i was left in a pool of icy resentment.
so i figured that i should try and turn it to my advantage.
no more shocks.
no more surprises.
i decided to have a very low expectancy threshold on what could be gained from a relationship.
be it a friend, a mate... a relative even.
i dont think unconditional love is a possibility, never mind a probability, which guarantees no disappointment.
i raised an eyebrow and shrugged.
what is happening to me?
...
it bothers me each time someone get the best bit.
the companionship, the stability, the history, the future.
it doesnt make sense.
to be fair, this is a pretty good statement.
especially considering the units i've consumed on empty stomachs.
it is a statement i've told myself, once upon a time.
most of what is happening to me is accidental.
i didnt really expect some of it to happen.
or even to happen AGAIN.
i should have been struck by lightning the first time round.
...
that aside.
...
have eu peeps watched the ad about the tvmobile?
where the guy had a crush on the girl *vice versa* and they later on went on their first date.
the scenario took place in a bus.
how sweet.
...
well, for a moment i am at a complete loss.
i dont know what to say, what to do or how to stand.
cause each time a guy smiled at me in the bus or the MRT.
in a *hi there, how eu doing?* way.
i tend to blush.
wait.
depends on the person who smiled at me plays a role too.
if he's as old as my dad, a friendly smile is enough.
no blushing.
if he's one of those in the uniforms.
*get what i meant?*
those mr policeman or mr armyguy or mr civil defence...
i'll go *oOoOo* in my heart.
i am absolutely dispossessed of common sense, sixteen years of precedent, or even a simple grasp of etiquette.
my elder sister can spot me out if she notices that i have this sneaky grin suddenly.
we have this so called telepathy and she'll scan for whom i had this *oOoOo* thing for.
i can no longer think of the correct words i could bungy jump from...
gosh, i cant even think where people bungy jump.
my mind is blank.
THE smile and i'll hear music, which is such a cliche that i'm ready to shoot myself.
in other words, i'm literally salivating.
*ahakz*
that reminded me of ayah's colleague.
the NS guy.
during D&D.
well, that was sort of mutual.
but gee, a crush is a crush.
instead of me going too GA-GA over peeps i definitely wont be in 'contact' like mr taufik b. or mr aaron aziz who's married and already a father, might as well i stoop low and bats my eyelashes at those who's nearby.
for example, the guy who sells kebab at the 'pasar malam' in front of my block.
*gee*
...
well, too much info in my blog this time.
i was having the mood to blog, so that explains it.
end it here then.