i'm lonely, i'm tired, i'm sad, i'm happy, i'm lucky, i'm unlucky; i'm a million different things everyday of the week. but i suppose OK is one of them.
::
i scorned for being bitter.
but i just couldnt bring myself even to smile for them.
i was jealous of them and their good fortune.
i was angry with them for moving on without me.
even in a company of friends i felt alone.
but it was when i roamed around my quiet room that i felt most alone.
i couldnt remember the last time i had felt truly happy, when somebody or something caused me to laugh so hard my stomach pained me, and my jaw ached.
i missed going to bed at night with absolutely nothing on my mind;
i missed enjoying eating food instead if it becoming something i had to endure to stay alive,
i hated the butterflies i got in my tummy every time i remembered of it.
i missed enjoying watching my favourite shows on teebee instead of it being something i would stare blankly as to pass the hours.
i hated feeling that i had no reason to wake up;
i hated the feelings i had when i did wake up.
i hated the feeling of having no excitement to look forward to.
i missed the feeling of being loved;
of sensing someone's eyes on me as i entered a room;
i missed the warmth;
the words of advice.
i hated counting down the days till i could finally get over it with what is left of me.
and i hated to think of what my life would be like when there would be nothing to hold on anymore.
memories and hopes were fine but you couldnt touch them, smell them or hold them.
they were never exactly as the moment was, and they faded with time.
::
i just have to hold on with what i have for the next ten days.
and listen to my lil prayer.
my hopes and my dreams.
and i would not ask for more, for i had something that i gripped on as if it's a key to my next step;
a ladder to my future;
a smile on my face;
a tear of joy;
priceless.
it wasnt too late already.