no one ever told me that deep sadness feels so much like fear. i have not ceased being fearful, & i have not ceased to let fear control me. i try to accept fear as part of life specifically fear of change & fear of the unknown, & have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says, turn back, turn back, or you'll die if you venture too far.

i musnt let life & its many coiled thorns bleed me. thorns i prick my finger on while in reach of that red, red defyingly red rose. if things were forever deliciously sweet to these virginal lips, what meaning would suffering hold. battle wouldnt be initiated, war wouldnt be waged. i shall then not feel - feel so much to burst our girlish hearts; feel so terribly much to take this steel heart to pieces; feel so terribly much to have this soul silenced by weepings of the mind.

i wished i could be enough to heal, to complete each, to never have the winds slit through silver of gaps.

inner peace as cliched as it may appear, is all i am after. i feel like my heart will leap out of this vessel in manic pumping of blood. this frenzy, dissatisfaction & inability for contentment; this insane need of clarity, serenity & a need to understand this life & the one after. i want to calm this mind & all at once spark of bullets of thought firing one after another by those words. i was overwhelmed with truth. this inner storm is pulling all of my senses under.