yesterday was supposedly one of those days that i was supposed to look forward to; the end & the beginning.

looking at them all in smiles, & the photo-taking sessions, & all the talk about the next step; the mini-graduation.

i feel so distant from everyone, even the people i see everyday in school. it all feels so superficial at times, & at other times i feel like there really isnt anyone there at all; & what is worst is, i feel like i am disappointing everyone by thinking that way; because they really are such wonderwalls. i just cant help myself, but to withdraw myself from all that. i really felt like running; to get away from them... to find myself. it was like dejavu; a rewind to 2005. i guess i can never get over that. in every way, i am beginning to have my regrets.

it doesnt help much when you were greeted with the supposedly employment letter; indicating the date of supposedly entrance to your future. i just cant stop myself from tearing. i know that the parents are trying to be very supportive, but i cant help feeling like i am such a disappointment; even if not to them, but to myself.

i was really lost, & i was really craving for comfort. i wanted you, to assure me in any way possible; i just wanted you by my side. i dont think that i have it in me to keep trying this hard. as tired & frustrated as it can be, i dont think i can really let go of what happened.

however, sometimes i dont know if you are really interested in whatever i may be talking (going on & on) about. sometimes i dont know if you pretend to be interested because you know the mandatory "hello, you there?" will preceed the perceived lack of enthusiasm; but you allay my fears whenever you repeat whatever i had said, as if to say you really listened; or, i dont know, it could be a really tactful hint & i am just deluded.

i never felt so much alone before; somehow, i cant take it.