kak yan & i used to play toni braxton's un-break my heart & dance until ibu came home from the wet market, when we were still staying at serangoon then.

when kak yan had homework & ibu made her complete it while facing the wall, i retreated into my room, where i had built a make-believe time machine. i played for hours - pushing buttons, giving orders, & feeling safe & comforted in my imagination. i want that feeling of safety & freedom that came with those memories back. i dont want the new feelings of momentary happiness followed by insurmountable guilt that comes from reaching for food for comfort. i need to go back to the person i was at six years old. she had it all figured out. maybe i will build another time machine.