i think when i am high up & have breathlessly overcome the vertigo, i find great pleasure in looking down & seeing people small as they are like ants; because they are not imposing or threatening, scurrying around purposefully behind the veneer of purpose. indeed such is life. when walking aimlessly just isnt the order of the day because everyone has to hide, beautifully out of contact with strangers, in a bubble of their own world, avoiding eye contact; there is a quiet reassurance i get inside knowing i am not down there part of their self-absorbed colony but it strikes me to know that i have developed my own self-absorbed colony of one. it interests me how widely spread human traits are -- like how ami keeps commenting that i walk too fast, it is a conditioned reflex. & so many conditioned reflexes define us, like shaking hands when you meet someone new, or giving celebratory hugs, or the fake pretend 'hey! meet up soon okay?' & the following scurrying away.

i like to watch people because you see something new every day; but even this watching sometimes seems empty & meaningless because i am not a person to watch myself, hiding somewhere stories above in a corner i call my own -- enforced dominion. sometimes i wish i could participate, but then i realise i dont really have the heart to because it requires so much energy & effort which i let seep out of my veins every single minute with increasing momentum. & as something draws this energy out of me, i find everyday things just a little more difficult with the leaden lethargy resting on my shoulders; & previously having felt omnipotent, i now wish fervently to be a little ant guarded by someone else because that job scope is way out of my league.