i have been feeling so consistently down recently but have adamantly been trying to appear upbeat to the complete & utter soul exhaustion that is engulfing me in a big empty mess. there are SO many things that i am unhappy with at the moment & i simply cant do anything about it -- i cant blame this on the weakness of the human psyche forever. a huge part of me just feels rusty & rundown like ridiculous pieces of scrap metal just conjugated together weakly by faint sickly-smelling paste; & all these makes me not want to be nice to anyone or help anyone do anything anymore.

i want to have someone to talk to when i need someone to talk to & not feel a million vacuous stars away in the universe, & yet i want to be uncontactable. i want a hug when i need it, & even when i dont; & i want so many different things which are just barely out of my grasp. i am inquisitive & confused, & generally in fantastically abysmal internal chaos, but i just want to watch teebee while it is cold outside with ami sitting next to me saying nothing at all.